Happy Wednesday,
How is everyone doing this fine Wednesday? I do hope you are all doing well. Things are going well here. Sorry I haven’t blogged in awhile, it’s just been busy. I’ve had doctor appointments, along with some other happenings. Today is off to a good start so far. I woke up to a wonderful message from John. He sent me something to read. “Accept what is, don’t Judge as good or bad.”-zenhabits.net. I enjoyed reading this today. It helped put me in a really positive mind set. “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”-William Shakespeare, ‘Hamlet'”
I really had to stop and think. Could it really be as easy as simply accepting things the way they are? John and I had a long conversation and I told him, as much as I hate the circumstances surrounding me right now, I still can’t be the person who flips the middle finger in a sense to my ex and make him out to be a loser on any level. Yes, he is being a jerk right now, but I have to take into consideration, he is the father of my sons, who by the way are two of the greatest humans anyone could want to meet. I am a little biased, however, I do have people that I run into here in our hometown and everyone I run into who knows my sons, always tells me, how amazing they are. I did a good job and I’m so proud of both of them.
There’s a song that keeps coming to my mind lately, one that I used to play over and over again when I started on this journey of being a better me, a true to myself me and when I listen to it, I feel as though I’m out of my body, looking down on this person who has cried so many silent tears. When I get into my current mindset, that of feeling like my world is collapsing and I don’t want anyone to know, I hear the words to this song, watch the video and sometimes, I just want to crawl up into a ball and not be me. I play it when I’m feeling lost, alone and in need of some normalcy in my life. “Life turned her that way.”-Ricky Van Shelton. “If she seems cold and bitter, then I beg of you, just stop and consider all she’s gone through. ” There are times that I feel judged by people. People that I loved, people that were my friends and family. Sometimes when I hear things that others say about me, I want to shout out at the top of my lungs a defense for my actions, thoughts or circumstances, then I have to sit back and remind myself, it’s not for me to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, perceptions of who they think I should be. They own their own feelings and it’s on them, not me.
The fact of the matter is, I still care, I care a lot of what others think of me. I always try to make sure everyone is happy and I try to make sure they know their value, their worth and most of the time, I’ve allowed their happiness to be first, even at the cost of my own freedom to be happy. I had to see my ex yesterday for a brief couple of minutes and it broke my heart. It’s not that I miss him, in fact, seeing him brought back so much hurt and pain. God I wish I could tell my story to those who judge me in the harshest way imaginable, yet for some reason, I can’t, because if I do, it would hurt them and I don’t want them to feel the pain I feel. I know first hand what it feels like to feel devalued, worthless and like your whole life was based upon what you do for someone. Sometimes, when you care so much for others, it’s worth keeping the secret of why you are the way you are. “Don’t be quick to condemn her, for the things she might say, just remember, life turner her that ways, she’s been walked on, stepped on, so many times.”
I think in some strange way, I pray for the person that hurt me the most to take responsibility for the pain he caused. When I would listen to “Life Turned Her That Way”, I would imagine him finally standing up and telling the truth to those that lash out and blame me, instead of feeding them an unrealistic version of things that aren’t true. I had hoped he would stand up and say, “and I hate to admit it, but the last footprint’s mine.” I have been told by my closest friends that I not only own my part in what happened between my ex and I, but his as well. I was telling my friend Leslie last night that he still makes me feel so worthless. Leslie’s great, she reminded me in the most kindest way, “you let yourself feel that way, he doesn’t and can’t control your response to his actions and words.” I hear her words, I know what she says is true, but the reality is, I still give him power over me. I allow his words and actions to make me feel like I don’t deserve better, that I don’t deserve fairness and I don’t deserve happiness.
I look back on how I was before, in my last relationship and the one thing that I never did very well was communicate. I can blame the religion in which I was raised for that, but in all reality, I didn’t follow my gut instinct when I knew things were wrong. I allowed myself to be the submissive, mind controlled, dumb, naïve and a weak person I was. It really is mind blowing that I have found a man that loves me the way John does. When I listen to my song, my pity party song, I feel as though the final verse is a twist meant for me. I feel like John is standing up for me, and telling the world, “she was cryin’ when I met her, she cries harder today, so don’t blame her, life turned her that way.” John knows me so well and tells me, he’s in it for life, he loves us and he loves me.
I remind myself more often then not, I did all I could do to stay. When I left, it was at my breaking point and I was done, for good. On days like yesterday, days when I have to see what I left, there is always a reminder, maybe from God, I don’t know, but somehow, I am reminded of why I left. I always walk away from my ex feeling worthless. I don’t know if he says the things he does because he really isn’t thinking, or if in some way, deep in the back of his mind, he says what he does because he truly believes them and feels that way about me.
“If you want to know what a man is really like, take notice of how he acts when he loses money.”-Simone Weil. Money can destroy a relationship and it can change a persons entire personality. Money is needed in this life, however, it is only in this life that it holds any sort of value. When we die, we don’t take it with us, we leave it behind for someone else to enjoy. It has become my opinion that all the money in the world cannot take away the loneliness a person feels. I may not have a lot of money anymore, but I have something money can’t buy. I have someone that values us and together, we can build and have more then either of us have ever had before.
I came home tonight and cried a few tears for the hurt I felt again today. I cried for allowing myself to feel like I don’t matter and for allowing someone else to tell me what my value is worth. My value is shown in how I allow myself to be seen and I know that I have found favor in God’s eyes. He hasn’t abandoned me and he always gives me the strength when I feel like giving up, and I am thankful for everything he continues to do for me and for everything he has done for me and I will always try and remember a quote I ran across today, “be careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears….”-awesomequotes4u.com. When you really stop and think about this quote, isn’t it comforting to think that our creator sees our pain, and he might actually be counting our tears? Makes me stop and think, if this is true, I must really be valuable in His eyes.
To think I might be that valuable in God’s eyes and to know how much John values me and loves me, I know that I’m really not alone after all and even though there was a time that life turned me that way, crying and feeling walked on, I have someone that wants to help pick up the pieces and this person will wipe away my tears. He holds me near his heart to be loved and under his arms to be held tight.
I’m hear to tell everyone who has felt life turned you a certain way, there is hope that it will get better. Life made me bitter and cold, but every day, I want to look back on that girl that cried every day without judgment, and come to the conclusion, it’s not good or bad, it simply is. Life certainly does go on. It’s totally up to me, and to you to make the best out of each and every day. My friend Sinda told me yesterday, she’s on a healing journey and that she has opened her heart to God again. She is tired of being stuck and shutting Him out to heal her. She said, “I need Him.” Her journey is an amazing testimony to letting go and letting God. Putting it all in God’s hands. He’ll open the right doors at the right times. He knows what life has done to me, to you, to all of us and if we allow Him in, He’ll heal us and He’ll take away the cold and bitter. How awesome is that?
Well my lovely friends and family, writing certainly is my therapy. I needed to write today and I’ve discovered when I let too much time lapse, I see a difference in my mindset. Having the ability to write to you all, it brightens my day and gives me something to look forward to. Writing to you all is like talking out all the craziness to my best friend, so thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my blog. I love hearing from you all. Well, I need to be saying goodbye for now, but I’ll be back soon. Oh, there’s one more thing. Please don’t forget, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 