Going Back

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday afternoon? I do hope you are all having an amazing and wonderful day. It’s a bit crazy here, but, that’s life when you have kiddos around. Gotta love them, but sometimes, you just want to pull your hair out too. I watched a video this morning, by one of my favorite YouTubers, Brigette Pfister. I just love her personality. She says it like it is. I encourage everyone to check out her YouTube channel. She’ll make you think. She’ll make you laugh and the best part is, she’s real. She’s walked the same course so many of us have and continue to do. Today I watched her video, “pandemic at the Pfisterhaus.” It was a reality check on how Covid has affected her home and how her kiddos have had challenging times with the shelter in place. She made me laugh at times, and her message hit home. The truth of the matter is, our kiddos really need to be back in school with their teachers and friends. Our kiddos need to be able to enjoy being kids in school. We parents are all in similar situations and her video today, made me realize, I’m not alone, none of us are. So a huge shout out thank you to one of my favorite YouTubers.

I wanted to share a message that was sent to me yesterday by someone that read my blog. This is a person I don’t know, but he made the comment about yesterdays blog. He commented, “I can’t tell whether that is some weird joke or whether the author really is delusional?” I have no clue what prompted this question, so I replied with, ” Delusional about what?” His reply, “that answers my question. Thank you.” So, I’m still a bit confused about what the readers point was, so I’ll just say this and then let it go. I write about my own experiences. I write about things that are on my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and unless I quote someone, then things are generally, my opinion on matters. With that being said, let’s move onto the blog.

I wanted to talk about going back. You may be wondering, “going back to what?” Well, I was reading and came across something someone wrote. They were referencing how they’ve noticed when someone passes or some major event happens in life, they’ve noticed people try and go back to church or they begin to feel like certain doctrines they were brainwashed with are beginning to come true. For example, some may be thinking that Armageddon is coming because of the world events, so they need to rush back to the religion they were so eager to leave because of the falsities they have found. This got me to thinking. How many times have I myself said, “I wish I could go back?”

I don’t feel a need to go back to the “truth/religion.” I don’t feel a need to go confess my sins to three men in suites who will judge me and decide my fate. What I feel I miss is the friends I used to have. The community. Being surrounded by so many people who I thought were my friends. When I start down this road of contemplating what I really miss, I then begin to think about those certain people, and how their friendship with me is conditional on me being apart of the same belief system that they are part of. If I don’t conform back to being a robot for a religion that thinks for me, requires an unrealistic life style and wants me to love others conditional on their belief system, then I’m not welcome in their world. The question now comes to mind. “Why do we have to identify ourselves with who or what we were? As though we left part of us behind?” Isn’t life about growing? “Life is a journey and it’s about growing and changing and coming to terms with who and what you are and loving who and what you are.”- Kelly McGillis.

I wonder if sometimes when we look back on life, do we think we can only be happy if we can get back what we had? Almost like, I’ll never be happy unless I get my old life back. I know sometimes I wonder that. If you would of told me 5 years ago I’d be divorced, without a job, losing all my homes, barely getting by financially, I would of told you you are crazy, but here I am, either facing or have faced those very things. This then makes me wonder if I made the right choices, especially when I have crazy days like today. I realize though, the past is gone and done and there is nothing I can do to get it back. In all honesty though, I don’t want it back. Sure, I’d love certain aspects of my life to be the way it used to be, but I can honestly tell you, I did everything within my power to make my old life work, and at the end of the day, I’m thankful for the lessons I was taught and I’m excited for my new journey.

I know going back to the religion/cult isn’t an option. I woke up. I believe it was Lloyd Evans that said something like, “once you wake up from the lies that have been fed to you, you can’t go back to the old life you’ve lived.” I believe that strongly. Why would I want to go back? Knowing that “my friends” were only my friends because I believed the way they did and I was a robot for a man made religion, just like them. The past is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to get that time back. I’ll always miss certain parts of my life, and I’ll even treasure memories those of my past where a part of. I think the thing I miss the most is seeing my kids on the daily or talking to them everyday, but I do know and understand that my boys are living their lives now, enjoying their own journey’s and I am so proud of the two of them. I’m lucky they still talk to me, even though I’m shunned in the eyes of many.

In Brigette’s video this morning she said something that really made my heart hurt. She said her dad had been in the hospital and that it was her sister I believe that told her about it, otherwise she never would of known. She was/is worried about him and hopes he’s okay. What strikes me is, even when her own dad had medical issues and was hospitalized, this didn’t change the way people treat her, not even those of her own family. In a nut shell, she wasn’t or didn’t feel welcome to be there with her dad. How sad is that? All because she doesn’t believe the way certain people in her family believe. She has her own views, her own mind and they aren’t in line with her JW family members. To them, she doesn’t exist. I suppose she could reason that her extended family is important to her and that she should go back to the religion. I couldn’t fault her if she did. I wouldn’t fault anyone for that, but when you listen to this woman talk, I am given the impression, she knows her value, she knows she has a mind and she uses it and she knows she should be accepted for who she and she isn’t about to allow others to treat her like she’s invisible. She’s not a butt kisser. I admire that.

Moving forward in this life, knowing I’m not going back, knowing I can’t go back to openly being lied to and accepting it as truth, I now have to realize going into new relationships and carving out the path in my life now, I could look back with regrets, but it doesn’t do me any good. It serves me better to get on with life and hope for nothing but the best for everyone. Maybe when others look back on the life we shared together, they can reflect and know, they helped me get to where I needed to be and that I am happy. I hope it can bring them some sort of joy. I know my heart has felt happiness when I hear of accomplishments my “friends” have made. My heart has broken when I hear of tragedy striking them too. Just because we can’t go back to what used to be, doesn’t mean we can’t hope for the best for everyone.

One last thought before I conclude this blog, it strikes me as odd that some people have suggested my life would be so much better if I went back to the religion that in essence, has torn my family and friendships apart. Yeah, not going back to that mindset. Not going back to a religion that won’t allow women to think for themselves or even voice an opinion that isn’t in line with their teachings. I won’t go back to simply existing and doing what eight men in suites think is best for me in accomplishing their goals. “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”-John F. Kennedy. Now that I’m free, I don’t want to be imprisoned any longer by having my mind controlled by someone else. Not going back.

I’m embracing my journey and new challenges. I know God isn’t punishing me. If nothing else, he’s helped me through the darkest of times and has helped me appreciate those who have stuck by me through the best of times and the worst of times. I treasure and value being able to think for myself.

Well my dear family and friends, I hope you are all doing well and staying safe. If you have time, check out Brigette Pfister’s YouTube channel, and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++