Happy Friday,
How is everyone doing this fine Friday afternoon? I do hope you are all doing well. What’s everyone up to this weekend? Anything fun planned? I haven’t planned anything as of yet, but I’m thinking of suggesting a trip to the bay or maybe an outing to the doggy park to let Oreo meet some new pups. I know I have two friends that have birthdays this weekend, so I do hope they have the greatest days ever. Keep those texts, messages and emails coming my way, I sure do love hearing from you all.
I wanted to share something with you all that happened to me this week. I was talking with John last night about an experience I had a few nights ago. First, let me say, I haven’t been able to really spend much time writing this week because my blood pressure has been wonked out in ways I’ve never experienced. I’m not sure what day this happened, but John says it started over the weekend. My blood pressure spiked to levels of being dangerous. I probably should of been admitted to the hospital, but you know me, I am not one that easily goes to doctors or hospitals. I spend enough time as it is with doctors for my medical problems that I’ve been dealing with since my car accident.
With the spike in my blood pressure, I apparently told John I didn’t want to go to the hospital because all they do is medicate me. He agreed to not have me go as long as I took my medication. So I popped that little pill that I should be taking on the daily and holy heck, my BP dropped drastically. I went from 189/112 to 88/66. I suppose you can say, I wasn’t playing it very smart by refusing to go to the hospital. Anyway, the strangest thing happened with all of this and after talking with John last night, I was able to confirm what I thought was only a dream as being a reality.
When my blood pressure plummeted, I remember wanting to sleep. I crawled into bed and as I was sleeping, I could hear things around me, but I couldn’t speak. As the night went on and things quieted down in the house, I felt myself leaving my body. I could feel my heart slowing down. I felt each beat become more and more faint and a different kind of darkness was overcoming me. I wanted to tell John something and I tried to call out to him, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what I wanted to tell him, I just knew I had this need to talk to him, however, as my heart rate slowed even more, I began to feel myself slipping away. I know this sounds far fetched and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it too, but this is what happened. I wasn’t afraid, I was okay with letting go, yet I wasn’t ready.
As things started to darken even more and more, and as I was succumbing to my heart slowing with each beat, I would feel this touch on my wrist. It was almost like every time my heart slowed to a mere flutter, I’d feel this hand touch me. I could see only a darkness, one that was different then what it looks like when you close your eyes, it was indescribable. It was like a slow falling feeling into a dark space and it was getting darker the further I fell. The falling was so slow and calm. There was no fear, just a darkness surrounding me.
For the last couple of days this has been bothering me. I finally opened up to John about it last night. I was telling him about this strange feeling of this hand touching me and how I couldn’t wake up or talk. I told him every time I felt my heart slow to a flutter, I’d feel a hand on my wrist. He told me that it was his hand. He said throughout the entire night, he felt the need to check my pulse. He said he wasn’t sure I was going to wake up in the morning and he was scared that I was letting go. It’s funny, I didn’t feel like I wanted to let go, yet at the same time, I felt myself slipping away. I just needed to tell him something and what that something was, I don’t know. Maybe it was just, “I love you.”
We had this silent connection that night that neither one of us knew was taking place. It was a connection in that night that I can’t explain and he can’t either. Neither one of us was ready to let go. I was holding onto the touch of his hand and he was reaching out letting me feel the strength of his grip. He was pulling me out of this deep sleep I was falling into, and he wasn’t letting go. John was there, by my side, even though I had no clue what was happening. I thought for sure this was all a dream, yet it was so real. I think that’s why it was bothering me.
It’s taken me close to a week to recover. I can’t remember much of anything for those few days that my BP was out of sorts. I am grateful though, that someone loves me as deeply as John. Knowing he stayed up all night by my side making sure I wasn’t letting go completely, I can never express how that makes me feel. How overwhelmed I am by his love. To know someone loves you that deeply and is that selfless. This man stayed by my side that entire night and never said a word to me. He never told me how he had worked the entire day, stayed up all night then worked the entire next day and never missed a beat being as exhausted as I know he was.
After we talked last night all he said was, “I felt I might lose you and I wasn’t ready to let go.” He said, “looking back, he should of called 911.” Thinking about what happened, knowing how much he loves me, I told him that everyone always comments how much he loves me, you all see it in the way he looks at me, but I said to him, “I love you more, cause I didn’t let go that night.” I had to say it, but I know deep in my heart, his love for me is so much more then I can describe. I know I love him to the ends of the earth and back, yet I can’t even put into words how much he loves me. Don’t tell him, but, I know he loves me more. I don’t know how that’s even possible, but I know he does. I’m grateful for the rest of this lifetime to be able to show him just how much more I love him. It was him that stayed by my side, it was him that held onto me and reached for me at those moments I was letting go. I loved him enough to not let go, but he loved me so much more by making sure, I knew deep within my soul, he was there for me, literally in my darkest moments.
“Let me see you through, cause I’ve seen the dark side too. When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do, nothing you confess could make me love you less. I’ll stand by you.” Rascall Flatts. The song, I’ll stand by you by Rascall Flatts was the first song that came on the radio this morning when I took my walk. It was like, God was listening to John and me talk last night and he was sending me this kind reminder of just how much John loves me. I feel this song was sent to me. “Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you. So if you’re mad, get mad, don’t hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now.” Holding the feeling of what I experienced bottled up inside me, my thinking has been shattered. I felt as though I was going crazy. I felt like this couldn’t be real. I should of opened up to John sooner.
“When you’re standing at the crossroads, and you don’t know which path to choose, let me come along, cause even if you’re wrong, I’ll stand by you.” I can’t even begin to tell you the crossroads I seem to come across, and the one person that seems to always know my thoughts is John. He knew my thoughts, he knew the untold story of me letting go. “Take me in, into your darkest hour and I’ll never desert you. I’ll stand by you. When the night falls on you, baby, you’re feeling all alone, you won’t be on your own, I’ll stand by you.” John did just that. He didn’t let me let go. He stood by my side and he was there during my darkest hour. My heart may have wanted to let go, but he took my hand, he held my inner soul and pulled me back out, into his arms and made sure I knew, he wasn’t letting go and he didn’t want me letting go either.
I do believe, the Universe has something in store for me. I never felt like I wanted to let go, it just felt like I was being taken to another place. I can’t explain what happened, but I know between God and John, I’m still here and John is standing by me. I have no doubt that for me, John is the definition of true, unconditional love. God answered my prayer. I used to beg him to let me experience love, the once in a lifetime true love and he did and he has. He gave me that unrepeatable love that only comes around once. He gave me an indescribable kind of love, he gave me John.
Well my dear family and friends, this is why I’ve been a bit off the grid the last few days. I feel like I went to another dimension and now I’m back. God works in mysterious ways and I know, he has a plan for me. I may slip and fall, but I have some pretty amazing friends and family by my side. I have all of you and I have John. What a crazy ride this week has been. While I still feel out of sorts and dizzy as all get out, I’m feeling more optimistic about live in general. Please take care of yourselves and go hug your person. Love and hugs too you all and don’t forget, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 