Fading

Happy Monday,

How is everyone doing this fine Monday afternoon? How was your weekend? Wonderful I hope. Crazy, things seem to be taming down a bit with the Covid crazy. Hopefully schools will be back to more of a normal routine come the new fall school year. I can’t even imagine how hard all this has been on all the kiddos, needing to stay distant from all their friends. We have some news regarding the house hunt. It’s going to be put on hold for a few years. John’s oldest son, sadly, had a bit of a breakdown last night because he doesn’t want to move away and leave his friends behind. I have to absolutely give him kuddos for speaking up about his wants and I know, as a mom of two grown sons, I wouldn’t of ever of made them leave their school, especially when they were in High School. I know for Grant, he’s formed some pretty amazing friendships over his school career and he only has three years left, so we can make it work for him. I am sad about it for me. I mean, I really wanted to be back where I find comfort with family and friends, but three years is a short time and San Diego is a nice place too. Most important, John and I are in this together and sometimes, we simply need to be willing to make compromises for the person we love.

I wanted to chat about fading today. I bet your wondering, what the heck does fading mean? Fading from what? Well, fading is a term used commonly by those of the religion in which I was raised. Basically, it means to leave the religion without notice or very little notice. It seems for the last few years I’ve faded from more then just my religion. In some ways, I feel as though I’ve faded from my life. I sometimes feel as though I’ve lost my identity. Being raised in a cult you grow up almost robotic. You live your life within the guidelines of their rules and regulations. Deviation is something you don’t even contemplate doing, especially if you are a girl within the religion. The price is a pretty heavy one should you chose to leave, therefore, fading at times seems to be the less of the harder evils of the entire shunning process.

The whole fading thing for me has surpassed just a leaving a cult/religion, it has encompassed me leaving the life I knew and did well. You may be wondering why I faded, especially if I did life well within the walls of this religion? Well, it’s simple, I couldn’t live the life anymore because I came to believe I was living a lie. I couldn’t stay with a belief system that was, in my mind, based upon deceit. I won’t spend too much time here talking about that right now, instead, I’ll share, what life as a fader looks like, or at least what it looks like for me. My experience has been basically learning who I was all over again. I know for some, and for others, that were born into the religion or who were raised for the majority of our lives within the church, we sort of slip out and then we have to figure out who we are. We fade and then we sit back and really analyze what our true beliefs are. We learn things about ourselves that we didn’t realize existed. I learned I love to learn how the mind works. I love to learn about the law of attraction and how the Universe works, things that would be considered demonic within the cult I left.

Life within the confines of being a cult member means surrendering yourself to being molded into who they want you to be. It’s pretty much a given that those who are in a cult don’t ever intentionally set out to hand their freedom over to a toxic sect, however, it is by way of subtle mind control that we find ourselves so indoctrinated, we don’t know how to get out. To this day, I live with a sense of fear of being found out of where I am, who I’m with and the consequences I will inevitably face one day, which basically means being publicly shunned.

I chose to fade from the cult/religion, not because I wanted to sow my oats, or see what life is like on the outside, then go back without being noticed or avoid discipline from the church. I faded because for me, it was a way to still have a sense of connection to certain people, family and friends without having them feel bad about their choice to keep themselves within the religion, live by their rules and still have some type of relationship with me. I have faded with the hopes of not losing my daughter in law and any future grandchildren to the shunning process, though this seems to be not entirely the case. While I’m not totally shunned, I am in a sense, outcast and kept at a distance. Its sort of a pick and chose when I’m allowed to be included. I by no means fault anyone for this, it’s just the teachings and the indoctrination my loved ones are victims of. The horrible brainwashing mindset that because I don’t believe anymore, I will in someway rub off on them.

It was on a Thursday afternoon, I broke down and looked around my home and chose to pack a few things and walk out the door. I didn’t give a whole lot of explanation, not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t. How do you look at your family and tell them you didn’t believe anymore in the lies you had been feeding them for so long? I thought it was easier to simply fade away. I wanted to protect my children from what I knew was about to happen. I knew that once I chose to tell the truth that I knew there were lies within the cult, there would be no turning back. Instead of confronting the lies, I chose to leave and make myself strong in being able to stand up for what I knew to be right and wrong. I thought if I faded away, I’d spare them all, my family and friends the consequences of my choices. Instead however, fading has cost me relationships I continue to this day to try and repair.

I faded away and now that I can show my loved ones why I believe the way I do and I can prove certain lies within the cult, most have chosen to put their hand up and treat me as though I don’t even exist. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I’m still me. My values haven’t changed, my concern and love for those in my family are the same. I love them all, unconditionally, yet sadly, my choice to fade has still cost me dearly, their love. I know you may thinking that their love is conditional and they really don’t love me, but, I must disagree. You see, when you are so heavily indoctrinated and your mind is literally controlled by 8 men in suites because of their subtle lies, it’s hard to blame someone for the position they, in my opinion are forced to take.

I know some have had the courage to write letters requesting their position or recognition within the church be disconnected or removed. Some brave people have actually asked to be disassociated from the cult. A letter from the church is read to the congregation stating that this person has chosen to sever ties and then the church members know they aren’t allowed to fellowship, talk with or associate with this person any longer. For me, fading has spared me being announced publicly, however, it has meant, disconnecting my thoughts, feelings, memories and sense of being identified as one of them removed from my thought process. Even though I haven’t been publicly announced, at least to my knowledge, most within the church have chosen to treat me as though I have been disassociated, and as much as it breaks my heart, some within my own family won’t talk to me because of my fading choice.

I chose to fade from the life I knew and start over and even though I made this choice of my own free will, something that was a new concept to me, I continue to pay the price of not being one of them, someone who is apart of their cult. I accept the consequences of my actions and I know, for me, I’ve done the right thing. I know some who have faded and nothing has changed within their relationships with family and friends, but mine has. There are times I feel so alone in my journey. I can’t talk to my cult family members as they most certainly will tell me to come back. I can’t talk to John in detail about the way I feel because I for one, don’t want to burden him and I know he’s never been apart of a high controlling cult and he can’t fully understand the effects of undoing some pretty heavy brainwashing indoctrination.

I faded and I’m surviving. I faded and I’m building a new life, one that includes free will and free choice. I’m learning it’s okay to have a voice and an opinion and I’m learning that I can succeed outside the confines of a religion that expects it’s members to conform to their strict ideas and ridiculous customs.

I have faded and one day I hope to be able to show my loved ones why. I hope one day to be able to share the wonderful things I have found outside the religion and I pray to restore certain relationships. I do want to thank those few that have supported me on my journey and who have stood by me, through thick and thin and who continue to have my back. I love being able to express myself within my blog and in my book that I am so enjoying writing. I know fading isn’t for everyone and I’m here to tell you, in most cases, the price to pay is beyond anything you could of imagined, and if you chose to fade, I hope you are able to reach out to those of us that have already taken the steps ahead of you so we can share our experiences with you in hopes that it won’t be as difficult for you. I know for some who have faded they haven’t really had any change in the dynamics with their family and friends and that is awesome. I just hope, that my story is as open and honest as I can make it so should anyone chose to walk away, fade, they see that it can be a difficult and emotional journey.

Thank you my dear family and friends for reading, yet another blog from me. I pray your all doing well and staying safe. Keep those comments coming. I love hearing from you all. Oh, and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++