Mirror Mirror

Happy Tuesday,

How is everyone doing this fine Tuesday? It certainly is a beautiful day. I love these cool, crisp mornings. They always seem to motivate me. It certainly has been a super busy last couple of weeks, but, I’m hoping now that I finished a quilt that I was on a deadline to complete and another one that was started last summer, I can just reorganize myself to getting more accomplished in the midst of each and every day. John and I have been looking at houses, ones with an extra space for my crafting and writing area. We found the perfect house, but I just found out a few minutes ago that they have other offers on the table, so now we are waiting to see if those offers don’t get approval. My agent told the other agent she obviously knows me well and that we are family and she can assure them that we are the perfect fit for this house. Now, to leave it up to the universe to see where we end up. I really had my hopes up on this house. This house gave me the perfect feeling of being back on familiar territory and being a fit for my boys too. I’d be so close to them and this house would give us the space for them to be more apart of my life. Please say a prayer for us that we can get the house that would be perfect for our new little family. I know the universe knows our needs and will send us home.

Today I wanted to chat with everyone about my reflection in the mirror. These past few months I’ve really been putting the effort into making myself a better person. I have been critiquing my flaws, as well as my good points. I’m learning to own more of my mistakes without making excuses and more importantly, I’m accepting the fact that some things simply aren’t meant to be changed the way I want them to be. I suppose I’m finally getting to the point of accepting that there are things I shouldn’t question. My only job is to accept and know that God has a plan for me and allow him to direct my steps. I’ve been thinking long and hard about my path and the choices I’ve made over the last few years in particular. I do wonder and second guess myself from time to time. I pray that I have done my best to allow God to direct my path. I try and let things go, the things that I second guess myself on especially, then I do my best to leave those questions in God’s hands. Funny, when I let go of beating myself up, I see things more clearly. It’s almost like I’m given a sign that I’m on the right path.

I saw this quote last week and I’ve gone back and read it several times. I’m thinking it would be a great one to print and put on my vision board. It’s a good reminder as I’ve been one to not like the person looking in the mirror. “This year, I’m going to look in the mirror and start to love the reflection staring back at me. She is strong, she is brave, she is loved, and she is always more then enough”-Ravenwolf. I am told that I’m strong. I’ve been told this by some of the strongest women I know and respect. I don’t see it, however, I will work on believing it. I know I’m loved. I feel the love of my nieces and my close friends. I know John loves me. He sure puts up with a lot of my brokenness. I have no doubt that he would move mountains and cross seas for me. That’s a hard concept for me to accept though. I think it’s because I don’t feel worthy of his love. When he goes above and beyond for me, I feel as though I’m taking advantage of him in some way. I feel like he shouldn’t have to or need to for me. I really struggle every day with this. I need to accept myself and I need to feel as though I’m enough.

I will tell you all this, second guessing yourself is exhausting. I know that I would never wish this mindset on anyone. Looking back on my life, I can see how the religion in which I was raised is the culprit behind much of my thinking. I know if I took time to do a needlepoint project as a young person, the guilt would consume me because I always felt as though I wasn’t doing enough for God. If I had time to sew or read a book ( a non JW related book), I should of been using that time to further my education within the religion. One of the most overwhelming things for me, being a member of the JW religion was all the material they expected us to read. The endless books and magazines. They referred to them as bible aids. I couldn’t keep up with the reading and studying. When I’d go to church I’d see others all studied up with their books and magazines, and it would make me feel worthless, like I wasn’t doing enough. I’d sit and think, I shouldn’t of read that book, or I shouldn’t of sewed on that project. I spent much of my life shoulding on myself. The reflection in the mirror became harder and harder to look at, until one day, I simply disappeared.

I have spent most, if not all of my life avoiding mirrors. You see, for me, when I look in the mirror, I see every flaw possible within myself. I see my fat. I see what I am not. I see failure. I see all of my falls. I see everything I’ve ever wanted to be and never succeeded at. I see what I am not instead of what I am. I allow that person looking back at me in the mirror to overshadow anything good. One day, I hope to be able to embrace this quote. “Look at yourself in the mirror and don’t be afraid to notice how beautiful you are.”-Yoko Ono.

John and I were talking last night and I told him how perfect I think he is. He’s so kind, loving and forgiving. I don’t understand how he can forgive me over and over again, but he does. I don’t understand how he puts up with the cloud that covers my head and that I can’t seem to escape right now. John is the happiest person I know. He lives life with the attitude of all the amazing things to come. John is positive and he finds the good in every situation. I really do admire him for that and so much more. I believe God put us together and though John will argue this point, I know from the bottom of my heart, I’m the lucky one.

John says the challenges in life are simply lessons we need to learn. I suppose what he’s trying to say is, whatever difficulty or challenge you may face, find something to learn from it. I know God gave me this incredible man in my life to teach me how to be more accepting and to walk beside me through the mountains I must climb. John gives to me something I’ve wanted all of my life. Acceptance. He accepts me, and now, I must accept myself. I must stop second guessing everything I do in this life and I must learn to recognize the signs that God puts in my path and allow him to guide me. God has rescued me and is giving me a second chance at this life. It’s now up to me to make the best out of this gift. The glass is half full, not half empty. “Confidence is saying to myself in mirror, ‘hey you, I like you,’ and then waking out into the world with nothing to prove.”-taraaltay.com.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up after I fall, and whether I run, walk or have to crawl, I’ll set my goals and achieve them all.”-ravinphotography. We all stumble, we all fall, and I pray that we can all find the strength to get up and conquer it all. I know without those few in my life that have stood by my side and helped me along the way I wouldn’t be here today sharing my journey with you all. My story would of ended. Now, I’ve been able to move to another chapter. Mirror mirror on the wall, I have goals to achieve and I’ll welcome them all.

My dear family and friends, thank you. Thank you for being apart of my life and for all you have done for me. You are forever in my heart. Keep those texts and messages coming my way. I love hearing from you all. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++