In Prison

Happy Monday,

How is everyone doing this fine Monday afternoon? I do hope all is well with you and your families. What has everyone been up to as of late? Anything new to report? Shoot me a text or message and let me know how you are. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, just know that I haven’t stopped wondering how you are all and I certainly haven’t stopped thinking about you. Things have been a bit crazy side the last couple of weeks and I’m so grateful that I was able to spend an incredible week with my nieces. I even got to spend a couple of days with one of my best friends and her husband. I also did a shop hop with another amazing friend on Saturday. I had vowed to not spend any money, however, I did cave in and I bought a new Christmas quilt kit that I can’t wait to make. I just couldn’t pass up on it. I’m super excited to get working on it. I might even make this one ahead of my other to do projects, but only because it’s an easy one to make, and I absolutely love it.

Today, I thought I’d talk about being in prison, or the feeling of being in prison. Have you ever felt like you are a prison even though you are not actually locked up and behind bars? I have. I still do in some ways. Elitedaily.com says that this feeling is defined as, “a self-limiting mindset, which affects our awareness, experiences and personal growth, thereby causing the metaphorical prison bars that make us feel trapped.” The sad reality of these prison bars is that they can and do prevent us from reaching our full potential in this life in which we were gifted. “Mental and emotional blockades leave us feeling locked up, inhibit self-improving actions and suppress our ability to aim higher.” Have you ever just felt there was no way out? Maybe you’ve been like me and felt there is really is no other option then to continue on this path that makes you miserable. Have you had the thought process, that this is what life for you was meant to look like?

My experience in this life is that I had to be perfect in everything I did. While I was never told this directly, I was taught that in order to be loved I had to meet certain expectations of my mother, my husband at the time, my boys, family and friends as well as the religion I was a part of. Looking back, I do believe this is why I always felt I was climbing a mountain, unable to reach the top successfully. When I finally fell off this mountain I created, I fell and I fell hard. I was taught that as a girl, my sole purpose in this life was to make sure a man’s needs were met. When I got married, I was only 17 years old. I had no business getting married at that age, especially to a man that was 26, nearly 27 years old, yet that was the typical JW life for a young girl. Graduate high school, then pioneer (preach full time), and get married and produce more JW offspring. When I got married, I thought I knew what my role as a wife would looked like, yet it was more of a wake up call then I ever thought imaginable. I knew what was expected of me, or so I thought. My mother gifted me the book, “The Total Woman.” This book taught me that I needed to be just so for my husband when he got home from work. Dinner on the table, house cleaned, laundry and ironing complete, you name it, if it was “domestic” in nature, it was my job to make sure it was done. I also needed to work and make sure my “service” time (hours spent in the ministry) was respectable. Oh, and I also had to make sure I was studied for all church meetings and bible studies. I had a lot on my plate and I was constantly reminded by mother to make my husband happy. Never did mother tell me that my feelings mattered and that my needs were just as important as his. Why would she? After all, she was under the mind control of a cult that impressed upon its female members that we were lesser than.

I have spent most of my life with the mindset that I wasn’t good enough, simply because I was born female. I spent most of my life with the thinking that my needs didn’t mean a damn thing to anyone, therefore, I allowed myself to be treated like I didn’t matter. I was a doormat to those that chose to wipe their feet on me. I was a prisoner of my thoughts. I had an extremely self limiting attitude that never allowed me to reach my greatest capabilities. I remember one of my English teachers in high school telling me I had a gift. The gift was the ability to write. She would encourage me to join the school paper and pursue journalism in college, however, as a JW, the school paper was considered an extra curricular activity, therefore, I couldn’t join. I would be required as a journalist on the school paper to attend after school events and that was a definite no-no in my world. College had no place in my life because God was going to, in the very near future, cause Armageddon and destroy all non-Jehovah’s Witnesses. I had become a passive bystander in my own life, and as a good little JW wife, I gave up my right to not only think for myself, but I gave up my right to pursue my dreams and passions.

It’s funny, I am now realizing that I never needed some major escape plan from my inner prison walls that I created throughout my life, the cell door was never locked. Once I realized this, all I had to do was open the door. Believe me when I tell you this, I have opened the door to my mental prison, and while I’ve made great strides in walking out the door of that mental cell block I created, I still haven’t taken my final step outside of this prison of which I thought was a life sentence. One of the most empowering things I have come to realize is that, I am able to write my own story and change my environment. If my life is making me unhappy, then it’s up to me to take myself off auto pilot, stop myself from passively watching my life slip by, feelin unfulfilled and do something to put myself back on the fast track to a happy and fulfilling life. I don’t simply want to go through the motions of life, doing the same thing day in and day out. I mean, having a routine is a good thing and there are absolutely things that need to be done every day, but we were given a brain and a wonderful mind to not only think, but to be able to enjoy adventures and things outside of our little boxes or prisons we’ve made for ourselves.

“Without a clear focus, we can feel as though we are trapped in a state of limbo where our lives lack stability and purpose.”-elitedaily.com. I’m not sure I ever felt my life lacked purpose. I think for me, it was more that I thought, is this all there is? Is my sole purpose in this life to make sure that my husbands needs were met and that I didn’t matter? To this day, he still has the thinking that he is more important then I am. He still controls the finances and me to a certain level. As much as I try to break free, he still goes against court orders to sell properties and split the money that we acquired together. Instead of paying my support payment, he used the money to take a trip out of state for near a week. He doesn’t even think twice about jipping me out of what’s mine. He has told me that I chose to leave, therefore, I really shouldn’t expect anything. Instead of allowing him to keep me locked up in his little prison of control, I am moving forward in this life, doing what I can do to live the best life possible, one where I find my purpose and happiness.

It is in my opinion, that in order for me to break out of my mental prison for good I need to seize the day. No more looking back at the end of the year and wondering where it went. Wondering what did I accomplish? The solution? “Every single day, I need to do something I have wanted to do without putting it off any longer.” I will make each day matter. Each and every day I will do my very best to “have aspirations and work toward achieving them.” I will have side projects and try new things. I might even make a check list of to do’s and then I can work toward crossing things off that list.

I have spent most of my life in a mental prison. I haven’t allowed my passions and desires to become manifest. I had given my mind and thinking abilities over to someone else. Now, I am choosing to fling open my prison door. While I still haven’t stepped completely out of my cell, not because I’m still weak, but because, I am a work in progress, I am making the effort to no longer stay stagnate. Instead, I am pushing forward. I am keeping focused on my book and I am staying focused on finishing my quilts that I have started. I am discovering my gifts in this life and by doing this, I am feeling less and less trapped. I know I have options in life. I know my possibilities are endless and that I have potential to live the best life, the happiest life and the most fulfilling life. I used to worry that I’d lose people along the way and that imprisoned me. Now, I look at it like, I am blessed to have some pretty amazing people in my life that have stuck by me through it all. I am blessed to have met some incredible people who have taught me lessons at the same time gave me some joy. I am going to be the person who has her glass half filled, rather then half empty.

Life is a journey, and an adventure. I believe we were all given a gift to have fulfilling and happy lives, we just have to be willing to step out of our mental prisons and take the leap of faith that we should have in ourselves. We are gonna be alright. Even if we do fall, we have the inner strength to get up and keep going. No more procrastinating. We are all “free agents with the freedom to claim our life.” The only limitations we have are those that we place on ourselves. We are all capable of achieving greatness. It’s the “deception of limits that makes us feel locked up. The motivation required to break free from the metaphorical prison bars is within us.”

My dear friends and family, I am not only walking out of my inner mental prison, I am breaking free. I have but one life to live. It’s that simple. I want to share my life with John, my boys, friends and family, and I want to accomplish my dreams. I want to be able to say in all confidence that I matter. My wants and desires are important and it’s okay to work towards my goals. It’s okay to put me first sometimes. It doesn’t make me a bad person to pursue the things in life that make me happy. The best thing we can do for ourselves and for those in our lives is to remember, we only get one shot at this life, and that’s it. Let’s encourage each other to escape the mental prisons we have put ourselves in and live the best life possible.

I do hope you are all doing well, staying safe and doing things that bring you happiness. Keep those comments coming and don’t forget, you are in my thoughts and prayers and most importantly, I hope you are able to, Love Life++