Weird Self

Happy Tuesday,

How is everyone doing this fine Tuesday evening? How was your Valentines Day weekend? Where you able to share it with a loved one or simply loving yourself. Hey, not that kind of loving yourself, the loving yourself in that being comfortable just being alone. I had a nice weekend. Sunday John surprised me with an outing to Canyon Lake, followed by dinner by the fireplace, just the two of us. It was the perfect ending to a very perfect day, one that I’ve wanted with John for a long time now. I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in awhile now. I’ve had so much going on, especially in my mind. This morning was spent dealing with attorneys and emails back and forth. UGH! Hopefully sooner than later I’ll be able to move on past all the legal stuff I have going on. The medical stuff looks like it’s my new normal and I’ll need to adjust to that. For now though, one day at a time, moving on and staying on the path to reaching my goals. I think next week I’ll be on a little bit better of a schedule. I’ve certainly missed blogging and communicating with you all.

I’ve been thinking about something I heard this past week. I was binge watching Gaia TV again and in one of the motivational speeches it was making the point of how unique we are as individuals, yet we seem to want to conform and fit into this little mold that society and our culture tells us to be in. In some ways, to me, it made me wonder if we are suppressing ourselves rather then expressing ourselves? I know for me, from a very early age, I was taught or shown that little girls are to be quiet. I was taught that if I questioned something it was a form of disrespect. I always hated hearing “because I said so!” This was such a common response to anything having to do with a why question. I lived in fear of not being proper enough. I was taught to care more about what others thought of me, instead of what I thought of myself. Laughter wasn’t something I experienced around my home growing up. What I did experience was solitude. I grew more and more uncomfortable within the family unit that I began to slip away into the silence of my room. I was rarely apart of any conversation within the family, mothers family that is. Her husband barked orders at me and she sat and played with her new children. I was the constant reminder of being my fathers daughter and therefore, because my father failed to support me, step dad was forced to pick up the expenses on me. No worries there though. He kept a running tab, and when I turned 14 and began baby sitting on weekends and vacations, he would collect what he felt I needed to pay back as well as making me pay for pretty much anything I wanted or needed. I would work babysitting during the summer to pay for my school clothes. Mother thought that was teaching me responsibility.

I learned to suppress my own weird self. When I began dating my now ex, I can remember we had gone out with some friends to a karaoke place. It was the first time I had ever been to a place like that. My friend and I decided to get up and sing. We had so much fun singing and dancing and laughing at our mess ups during the song. The audience was clapping and cheering us on. We sucked, but we had fun. I remember the drive home that evening and my ex asking me if I was embarrassed. I said no and asked for what should I feel embarrassed about. I honestly had no clue why he was asking. He said because my singing was horrible. I never sang again out loud. I gave him power in that very moment. I gave up power of being my own wonderfully, amazing and weird self, yet again. I gave it up long ago for my mothers expectations and I gave it up again. I know I don’t sing well, but I had fun and others around me were joining in. We don’t have to be good at something to be able to join in and enjoy the moment. I look back at how many moments I’ve missed out on because I won’t sing out loud, I won’t dance in front of anyone. I’m too afraid to this day of what others may think or say.

When I watch Gaia or YouTube channels, I generally search out happiness shows, or motivational speeches. I want to be able, some day to let my hair down and just break free of my own inner prison and sing and dance. I don’t want to look back on my life and wish I would of danced around the living room more with John or sing that one song that makes me so happy. I want to step out of the box and become what so many of you have already become, your own, wonderfully and amazing, weird selves. I want to be brave enough to wear that outfit that I absolutely love. Heck, I even want to wear a bikini for once in my life. My whole point for this rant is, we are all created in a very unique and special way. No two sets of fingers prints are the same, not even on identical twins. We all are given this uniqueness, I believe to show off our amazing and weird self. We weren’t created to be in a cookie cutter mold. Sure, there are certain expectations of cultures and family dynamics, however, why not on occasion eat the dessert first? Why not dance like nobody’s watching? I wonder what this world would look like if we spent more time being happy, singing out loud and skipping along instead of walking? Would it rub off on others, or would others want to have us committed? Are we too busy caring what others think? I’m guilty of that. I can’t even tell you how many times I wish I had the bravery to dance and sing out loud. “You can’t celebrate anyone else in this world unless you celebrate you first.”-Leo Buscaglia. This quote really hit home for me. I mean, how in the hell can we possibly celebrate life if we can’t celebrate ourselves? It goes along with, how can you truly give love if you can’t love yourself?

I think I’ve become way to concerned with what others think of me. I learned it from the religion I was indorenated in from early childhood and it followed me all through my adulthood, until I was about 45 years old. That’s when my dad came back into my life and told me the only thing that matters to him is that his children are happy. I lived so much of my life wanting to make him proud, even though he wasn’t in my life, I wanted him to be proud of me. I lived all of my life wanting my mother to love and accept me. No matter how hard I tried, I never gained that love from her. She disregarded me when she married the husband. I don’t assume this, I know this. She told me every time she looked at me, all she could see was my father. I asked her once why she didn’t want to be apart of my family, and be apart of my children’s lives. Her reply was, “I don’t want to be around kids anymore. I am raising my two children, (her son and other daughter), and they were pre-teens when I became a mother and she said she just didn’t want to be around them, at all. Funny, when her son had a baby, out of wed lock, she rallied around him, his girlfriend and baby girl and welcomed them into her life and home. For the longest time I tried, and failed. I failed in my own expectations because I cared more about what she wanted from me and expected from me. I failed myself because I wasn’t living for me, I was living for what others wanted me to be. I am unique, amazing and weird, and I am my fathers daughter. That’s okay though, I am learning that my happiness depends on me and not what others give to me or take from me for that matter.

“There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it’s the fate, the genetic and neural fate, of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.”-Oliver Sacks. While there are boundaries that we live within according to society, I suggest this. We are given but one shot at this life. Why not live it to the fullest? Why not live it singing in the rain if you are so inclined? Why not live it dancing to your favorite song? Why not live it, being happy? Being our own, amazing, wonderful and amazing selves? Life if what we make of it and knowing three people who all died within 2 days of each other this past week, showed me just how precious and short this life really is. Follow your dreams. Be your own, amazing, wonderfully weird and amazing self. Be happy, live happy and have little to no regrets. Love Life++

Well my dear family and friends, I do hope you are all doing well and staying safe. Hugs and well wishes to you all and until next time, from the bottom of my heart, I do hope, you are loving life++