Imprisoned

Happy Tuesday everyone,

Yes, it is for sure Tuesday today. What a goof I am. I lost an entire day thinking it was Tuesday all day yesterday, but on a good note, I gained it back today. Today is a grocery day and then a walk on the bay. It’s a little cool outside this morning, and those are the best kind of walk along the beach days there are. I love the cool crisp air along with the smell of the ocean air. I could walk for hours, that is if my leg didn’t give out and my balance go all wonky to where I fall. Maybe when if I get a scooter then I can take it and ride all day along the boardwalk. Who knows, but until then, I will enjoy what I can do.

Onto the blog. I was thinking this morning when I woke up about being in prison. No, I’ve never been to prison or jail in the sense of being locked up behind bars, however, I’ve, over the years created my very own personal prison. It’s a prison within my head. I decided to look up what it means to feel in prison within ones own mind and according to awakenthegreatnesswithin.com, it says, “the mind is the jailor for many who confine their life to their current reality because of the self-imposed limitations that they hold within themselves, the key is to banish those limitations so that you can elevate your life to a whole new level.” What are my self imposed limitations? What are my realities at the moment that cannot be changed?

For me, my self imposed limitations are allowing myself to feel misplaced, out of sorts and not capable of living my best life possible within my current situation. You see, I’ve been out of worker comp for a little over three years now. They have chosen to not pay me anything in nearly a year. My SDI runs out in about 2 months and I was denied permanent disability, even though I have everyone of my doctors saying I cannot work. I’m not to the point of living on the streets or in my car. I am so beyond thankful and lucky to have a wonderful support system in place. I have John who does more for me than anyone should have to do for another person. I have my amazing niece who is always there to help me and a couple dear and close friends that make sure I never am without. Though I am blessed, thankful and undeserving of such love and kindness, I have this issues known as pride, and not in a good way. I think that is one of the negative qualities I inherited from my dad. “The noun pride describes a feeling of happiness that comes from achieving something. When you do a good job or finish a difficult task, you feel pride. Pride can also have a negative meaning and refer to exceedingly high self regard. For example, you might have too much pride to ask for help when you need it.”-vocabulary.com. Asking for help, it’s the hardest thing in the world for me.

I’ve worked hard my entire life. Asking for help doesn’t come easy at all. It’s funny, I don’t hold myself in a high self regard, I suppose I don’t hold myself in a high enough regard. I’ve allowed certain people to dictate to me my worth. It’s always been that way, that is until about 5 years ago when I was challenged by a dear friend to define my own happiness. Happiness based upon what I enjoy, not about what I do. Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed doing and still enjoy doing for others, it’s just I got so caught up in that way of life I lost myself along the way. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. An example of that is, I allowed my company to not pay me fairly. I accepted being paid lesser than any other employee within the company, especially those that had been there less time than me. I allowed my company to not pay me vacation pay when I was working full time. I was the only full time employee in the entire company that didn’t get paid vacation and I worked there longer then most. I allowed my boss to convince me that what he paid me was fair, because combined with my ex husbands wages, we made a decent income. Let me tell you, this is coming back to kick me in the ass. What I’m entitled too for disability is based upon my income over my life and since my income was based upon what my ex made, which benefits him for retirement, etc., it kills what I will get.

“Your outer reality is influenced by the internal beliefs that you have about yourself, once those limiting beliefs are eliminated from your life, you will become more motivated to take action on what you truly want to achieve.”-awakenthegreatnesswithin.com. I can’t go back and undo the things of my past, however, I can move forward and I can start with readjusting my thinking. I am thinking more and more for myself. Funny, John and I have had many conversations about thinking for myself. He will sometimes tell me he won’t make a decision for me, he’ll only help guide me to making my own decisions. He says he won’t think for me, I need to do that on my own. How lucky am I to have a man that doesn’t take advantage of how I was raised and instead, is there to simply guide me and listen to me and help me navigate being released from prison.

Most of my life, I had someone thinking for me and this caused me to live within an internal prison. My prison was my mind telling me I couldn’t do something because someone else didn’t think I should, could or needed to do it. When I was young, I wanted so bad to be a nurse, just like my granny was, but I was told higher education wasn’t allowed. I was told Armageddon was coming and I needed to dedicate my life to spiritual things rather than secular. That was a mistake. That was 34 years ago. I could of been working in a field that I not only have high respect for, but one that I maybe could of made a difference in someone’s life with. John says if that is still something I truly want, and when and if I get well again, or healthy enough, he’d support me 100% in going back to school to become a nurse. See what I mean, I am so beyond lucky to have someone like him in my life.

I’ve been living in prison lately, doubting my ability to become a published writer. This has always been another passion of mine. I’ve been dwelling so much on everything that I’ve lost or that’s been taken from me that I’m losing joy in the things that bring me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. “Many limit their lives because of what they think is possible for them to achieve, but you must start to become aware of the fact that you can achieve anything that you set your mind to if you back it up with consistent action.” I haven’t let up on my writing, at least the writing of my blog, but I have placed my book on the back burner and I’m sitting here thinking that I just need to finish it. I don’t read like I used to, and I need to start doing that again too. I need to set up my crafting area and I know, even though I can’t go out and work, I don’t need to let my situation define me as a loser, I can rise above it. I can contribute because I know I can find something that I’m good at that will bring in a cash flow. I might not be able to work outside the home, but I know I can think of a way to turn my hobbies into a little bit of extra cash. I can do this on days that I’m able to function and I can lay low on days that I can’t even move.

I’m ready to escape, break out of prison and live life to the fullest. Anyone else ready for a prison break? Are you ready to live the life you were meant to live, be it free from your own self inflicted limitations, free from a religious cult, free from an abusive religion? Whatever is holding you back, are you ready to break out of the mental prison? “The mental prison that you have accepted to be confined in, you hold the keys within you to escape, a prison break must take place, let the one you want to be break you free from the cell of conformity that wants you to remain who you are, project your mind forward and see the self-made successful entrepreneur that you want to become, that individual, that vison, that dream is what can free you.”

Are you feeling imprisoned somehow? Do you feel like life is slipping by and you haven’t accomplished anything you’ve dreamed of? Are you living simply a mediocre life? Wanna escape the prison we’ve put ourselves in? We can do it together as a community of go getters and we can reach our dreams, one day at a time. We can be our own biggest supporters and we can also, cheer each other on. Let’s rock this life! Let’s enjoy the journey and all the adventures that lye ahead, and let’s not forget, to simply, Love Life++