I Can’t Do That Anymore…

Happy Tuesday evening everyone,

I do hope you are all doing well and staying safe and sane during this holiday season and Covid crazy. All is well here for the most part. It was a perfect day. John and I went to his parents so he could set up his dad’s new computer, then we had dinner with them, then when I got home I started having a panic attack. I took a little walk, but my heart is still racing and I’m not exactly sure why. I thought maybe I’d sit down and write to you all as that always helps me feel better. Hope that’s okay with you all?

I thought I’d write about not being able to do that anymore. I bet you’re wondering what the “that” is? Well, it’s not just one thing. Basically, it’s the life I used to live. I’ve tried to imagine what it would of been like if I would of kept going on with the way my life was and I’ve tried to picture myself back in my home, my cabin and it’s so much a distant memory that I can’t even begin to imagine my life there anymore. I do miss seeing my sons every day and being able to talk to them, however, I am reminded that they are grown up living the life they want to and deserve to live. My daughter in law shared some photos with me today of her and my son on their little vacation and it just melted my heart. Seeing my daughter in laws smile melted me. She has the prettiest smile and the sweetest personality and knowing that she loves my son, well, that’s all I can ask for. Jagger is so good about sending photos of her and Kevin too. My boys have moved on in this life and are sharing their adventures with two of the most amazing girls in the world.

When I think about my life up to five years ago, all I can think about is how lonely I felt. I had a conversation with my ex recently and I told him how lonely he made me feel. He made the comment that he was a good provider. That was his response to me being lonely and sad. Money, that’s all he could come up with. I thought how sad that comment was. I honestly don’t think he even realizes how important his money is to him. I fought our entire marriage to be noticed and failed miserably. He never could find the good in me. He only saw my many flaws. If something was out of place, he’d notice. If the laundry basket was to the top, he’d notice. If there was dog poop in the yard, I’d hear about it, but I never heard I looked nice. I never heard even a thank you for making dinner after working all day or running the boys to basketball practice. My life reminded me of a song by Faith Hill. What an amazing voice that woman has. “I can’t do this anymore” is about a woman that really, just wanted time with her husband, she wanted more than the work life around the home. It wasn’t about the money, it was supposed to be about a life together. “Cut my hair the way you wanted. Watched you become important. Quit my job to make our new home far away, and now you’re Mr. Successful and I’m queen of the treadmill.” Ugh, I tried everything to just be noticed. He said I should of known he loved me because he came home every night. Don’t you know how much I simply needed to hear those three little words? I blame not only his upbringing, but the Watchtower for this. I knew my place from infancy in a man’s world and he never learned to show or give love.

“Trying to stay the size you think I should stay.” I weighed all of 100 pounds and he put me on diet pills because he never wanted to be with a heifer. The perfect JW wife though, we aren’t allowed to have an opinion, we are to be submissive to our husbands so we bring them honor. “I used to dream about what I would be and last night I dreamed about the washing machine. I keep on giving, but I can’t stop living.” I couldn’t stop living. I never had the strength. I couldn’t stop living because I couldn’t do that to my sons, but oh how I prayed to never wake up again. For over six months I prayed the same prayer every night, “please dear God, I can’t wake up tomorrow, let me die.” I’ve told John about this prayer and he reassures me that God was listening to my prayer, and he did answer me, just not in the way I wanted, or thought I wanted. Matthew 7:8, “for everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” I thought if I asked, I would have my prayer answered, but looking back, he did answer my prayer. You see, along with that prayer I asked God to let me experience love for just one moment in life and he has answered that prayer and beyond. He gave me to John.

“A woman needs a little something of her own. I like happy endings, I don’t like depending, I keep right on pretending, but I can’t do that anymore. Now you say I’m being silly, but you don’t know me really, you never take the time to ask me how I feel.” The ex says if I would of only told him how lonely I was, if I would of only told him how unhappy I was, maybe it would of been different. Funny, I tried, he just wouldn’t listen. He always told me it’s not what he meant to say or I was crazy for what I felt. To this day, he still doesn’t get it. He asked me to come back to him, just a few days ago, not because he loves me, but because he doesn’t want to give up his possessions, me being one of them. “I kept the checkbook balanced, I decorate your palace, you know I used to think that you were king. Somewhere down deep, I know you really love me, but you can’t see that what we have’s not all I need. I keep on giving, but I can’t stop living, a woman needs a little something of her own. I like happy endings.” I did everything humanly possible and like the message in the song, it was never enough. Doing all I could, giving all I had, I kept on pretending, “but I can’t do that anymore. You try and tell me I’m not being fair to you, but life’s too short for a selfish attitude. I keep giving, but I can’t stop living. I can’t do that anymore.”

I am still told to this day that I’m not being fair, that I’m the selfish one. I expressed to my ex that I absolutely don’t want the “truth” anymore. His reply was that I need to come back to him and I need to go back to meetings. He said I need to be out in the ministry every week. He still can’t hear me. He still refuses to recognize that I am happy worshiping my creator and studying about him outside Watchtower. I can’t give anymore to my ex or Watchtower and I have a wonderful and amazing man in my life now that listens to me, is there for me and puts us ahead of everything. I have a man in my life that tells me he loves me and helps me navigate the panic attacks and uncertainties of this life. I have a man that wants me and loves me for simply being me. I suppose I’m happy God gave me another chance in this life rather then letting me not wake up, after all, if he would of granted that prayer, I never would of known love, true love. I can’t do that life anymore, the life I had, but I certainly can and I most definitely enjoy the life I’m living now with John by my side. I’m free of being somebody’s property and I’m finally someone’s love. I can’t ask for anything more than that. I’m loved and I’m blessed. It’s a good life and there are good people out here in the real world. I’m thankful for a second chance at life.

Well guys, thank you for reading the blog again and I will say, I am feeling more relaxed and at ease. My heart is still racing a little bit, but overall, I do feel so much better. Thank you for letting me reach out and I do hope you are all doing okay. I’m here for you if you need to talk too. I enjoy and cherish all your comments. Warms my heart when I hear from you by way of comment on my blog site or by way of text or email. Keep those comments coming and until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++