Happy Tuesday Everyone,
How is everyone doing this fine Tuesday afternoon/evening? Good I hope. All is going well here I suppose. I’ve had tons going on. I’m sure you all know what that’s like. I just found out that my license has been suspended. I need to get a medical clearance to be able to drive again. Too many head injuries. I tried to explain to my doctor that my problem is balance, but she feels that it is a possibility that its stemming from the neurological side of things. Ugh, who knows. It was super hard hearing that I can’t drive right now, and the temptation to do so was so strong that I just gave my car to one of my sons. He’ll pay it off and drive it instead of always having to use one of his work vans. Temptation is officially gone and out of site. I’ve been looking into getting a scooter. Let me say, they have some pretty bad ass ones out there. Stylish and fun looking. I won’t feel too old if I can get into one of those. My insurance will pay for me to get one, so I’ll have to wait and see what they will set me up with and maybe I can pay the difference for one of the more fun looking ones. I sit here writing this blog thinking that I’m 51 years old and I need a scooter. At least I will be able to go to the store for a few things here and there and I will be able to even go to Hobby Lobby and Michaels. Unfortunately, Joann’s is too far away. Could be fun cruising around on a scooter. We’ll have to see. Now onto the blog.
I thought I’d talk about escaping mind control. As you know, I faded away from being a Jehovah’s Witness almost 4 1/2 years ago. It wasn’t easy, and I still face many challenges related to leaving the organization. I do want to make this clear, I haven’t deviated in any way, shape or form from my belief system regarding God. I believe in him even more than I ever did before. I feel my relationship with him is even stronger now. I left the organization because I can’t go along with many of their teachings. The hardest one for me to handle is how they profess to have love, yet they hypocritically practice conditional love. If you stop attending their meetings or fade away, you are shunned much like a disfellowshipped person. Anyway, that’s for a different blog. I wanted to talk about how hard it is to leave the organization, how it’s more like escaping, rather than simply leaving. Having your mind controlled by that kind of organization is much like having no thought process outside their beliefs. When you have an idea or opinion, you learn to not accept them as valid, especially if they aren’t in line with their teachings.
When you spend much of your life in the organization, in my opinion, you are a controlled person. They tell you who you can associate with, they use guilt tactics and fear mongering to keep you in tow. I know, to this day I still hear from the couple of people who still talk to me, that Armageddon is almost here. I’m reminded of the great day of God almighty and how he will destroy all those not serving him. The visions of destruction are very clear and vivid in my mind. Images such as the one below do still sit in my mind. This photo is from the September 2019 study article of the Watchtower under the caption, “Armageddon is good news.” Notice the detail of this photo. It looks to be either God or perhaps Jesus with all is angels behind him. They are watching their followers sitting around a table, most likely praying and studying his word as what looks like the SWAT team is ready to barge into their home.
The paragraph in the article goes onto say, “God will not allow the nations to destroy his people. They proudly bear his name, and they have obeyed his command to flee from Babylon the Great. They have also worked hard to help others flee from her. So Jehovah’s servants will not receive part of her plagues. Visions such as these still run through my head. There’s the “what if’s.” Escaping this kind of fear mongering is beyond difficult. I not only have had to escape the religion, I had to escape a marriage. I’m still trying to escape the control my ex husband has over me. You see, his greed is causing him to try and gain control over me again. He doesn’t want to part with his money, so he wants me back. Last week his comment to me was that our divorce is final, we just need to settle up and move on and now that he is court ordered to part with a little money, he asked me if I’d like to come home. Well yes I would, but only if he isn’t there.
What exactly is meant by mind control? According to propsychocentral.com, it can occur in “any system involving people, such as in churches, the workplace and families.” The ingredients required for mind control are, “human beings, narcissistic leader, scapegoats, lieutenants (flying monkeys) and keeping secrets. What can’t be allowed in this type of system is free thinkers or free spirits. People with these qualities will be banished. Mind control is similar to what happens when people join cults. Cult leaders manage to coerce strong minded, intelligent people away from loving family and friends; all in exchange for a false promise.” Guilt is often used, at least that’s what my abusers used on me. The never ending guilt trips. My ex is currently using this tactic on me. He doesn’t really want me back, he simply doesn’t want to part with his money. He told me the other day because I left, that I’m not entitled to much. The courts don’t agree. My ex uses and targets the feeling of guilt. He uses my children to make me feel guilty. He used these tactics in an “effort to control my behavior.” The article says, “such guilt trips are a clear form of psychological manipulation and coercion.” People who use guilt trips usually have one thing in mind. These people are “usually entirely focused on getting the results they want and entirely blind to the damage their methods can cause. Mild and poisonous effects of most guilt trips are, over the long term, their toxicity can build and cause significant strains and emotional distance.”-propsychocentral.com. Have you ever had someone make you feel so guilty and you know that you haven’t done or aren’t doing anything wrong, yet somehow, maybe due to many years of mind control, they have you convinced you are absolutely in the wrong. Knowing that the only reason he wants me back is because he doesn’t want to part with his money, that my worth to him is based on not wanting to give me even a little of what I worked for, it’s a never ending cycle of abuse. Mental abuse to the highest level in my world.
When we are emotionally or mentally abused, its because our abuser has used his power to control our emotions. They may criticize us, embarrass, shame or blame us. ” A relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person’s self esteem and undermine their mental health.”-verywellmind.com. Emotional/mental abuse is generally subtle and “insidious or overt and manipulative and causes someone to doubt their perceptions and reality.” I know for me, the mind control has allowed my abuser to control me by discrediting me. I was isolated and who I was allowed to be friends with was closely monitored and I was to keep silent regarding my feelings, needs and desires. My hopes and dreams were demeaned and basically, I only existed, I wasn’t living. “In the end, the victim feels trapped. They are often too wounded to endure the relationship any longer, but also too afraid to leave, so the cycle just repeats itself until something is done.”-verywellmind.com. Mind control is real and it’s hard to escape once you’ve fallen victim to that type of abuse. The scars run so deep within your soul that you alone are the only one that can feel them.
Being mentally controlled and allowing the behavior has nearly ruined me. I, to this day, second guess everything I do. I worry all the time about my decisions. I have placed so many unrealistic expectations on myself in hopes of being good enough. I allowed someone to put everything I ever wanted aside to meet his needs. He demanded all my time. He was never satisfied with anything, no matter how hard I tried or what I did, it was never good enough. I was expected to adopt all his opinions and his minds set. When I tried to explain my feelings, they were dismissed to the point that I was told I was imagining what I felt. Now, the validation has arrived, I was only property in his eyes.
Knowing that I spent most of my life with someone that thought I could be bought, it’s hurtful. I read a quote this morning that sort of reminds me of what life has been like trying to navigate myself out of an abusive relationship. “There will be some things you won’t get over, some things that will sting so hard they will set you back where you started and you will hurt, but you will also rise from it. You will learn from the past and you will adapt and survive no matter how hard it gets. You will shape your own reality and accept how you should never settle for anything less than you deserve.”-R.M. Drake. I do keep in mind that if I really meant something to my ex, he wouldn’t use money to control me.
I’ve been asked why I left with pretty much just the clothes on my back. The reason is simple, I never felt like I deserved anything more than that. Trying to gain back my self worth is a difficult task, especially when someone still controls you by way of your assets together. Sometimes, I think how much easier it would be to just disappear. I sit and think that things would be so much better for everyone concerned. No more fighting, no more guilt trips, no more feeling of failure and doom. Mind control, emotional abuse, without therapy is hard to overcome and even then, it’s work. Everyday you have to work at being strong enough to not only break, but sever all ties with your abuser. I’m thankful for those in my life that are there to help me through the lows. I can never express how grateful I am that God has brought them into my life. I couldn’t do this alone.
Together we can all become survivors of having or minds controlled by a religion, by parents or by a partner or spouse. It’s an uphill battle that can be won. I look forward to that day when I can say, I’m truly free from everything and everyone that I’ve allowed to think for me, guilt me and invalidate me as a person. I appreciate everyone that takes time to read my blog and I especially love all the comments you send my way. I love having you on this journey with me and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 