My Journey to Divorcing my JW Husband..

Happy Thursday,,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday? I do hope you are all staying well and safe. I’ve been in a bit of a quandary the last couple of days. Just a lot going on and some difficult things happening. Thank goodness for family and friends during difficult times. I know many of you are going through some pretty difficult and craziness now too, especially with Covid crazy and having the shelter in place strong suggestion again. As family, friends and community, we will get through this hiccup in life together. I am super excited to have people from all over the world reading my blog now. I think I’m up to 15 countries as of an hour ago. What an honor that is. Thank you!!

Today, I thought I would touch a little on the subject of forgiving and divorcing my JW husband. With the things going on in my life, I am finding it so difficult to forgive, not so much the person hurting me, but myself. Have you ever had someone or allowed someone to take your self worth from you? Have you ever had anyone manipulate everything you say and do? I was told yesterday that I had no reason to dissolve my marriage. I was told, “I’m a good guy” by the man that has chosen to ignore all court orders regarding our divorce. I was told that because I chose to leave then I’m not really entitled to anything, but he would give me a little bit because that’s what nice guys do. I was told that I could be ruined by the person I wanted to spend my life with and that I spent much of my life with. After allowing myself to be mentally abused yet again, I had a really long conversation with one of my best friends and she asked me why I chose to talk to my ex. My answer is simple. I was ingrained with the teachings of Watchtower that I owe him. As a woman in the organization, you are taught that you must be in subjection to your husband and while he is no longer my husband, he is still the father of my children and we were married when I was just 17 years old. That subjection or the fear of what would happen if I didn’t answer becomes so second nature, the calls are hard to ignore.

What my ex fails to understand is that he is the one that pushed me away. From the time we married, he changed. We got married in Vegas and only his parents, his sister and her husband and his two buddies were apart of our day. He promised me that we would run off together, he painted this romantic eloping dream. Of course I had to have my mothers signature to get married at 17 as I was still under age, but she gladly signed the papers. I was out of her hair and she could have her life with her new family, the husband and two new kids. I bought a really pretty white dress and when we arrived in Vegas, he wanted to wear jeans. Thank goodness his dad told him that he should wear the suit he brought. We got married by the justice of the peace with his family and friends witnessing our “special” day. When we left the justice of the peace to go to dinner, he took off with his buddies to go gamble and left me with his parents, whom I just met a few hours prior. This was the beginning of the long journey of what my life would look like from that day forward.

I remember when we met back up, he was walking with his buddies and his sister yelled at him and told him he’s a married man now and he should at the very least, hold my hand. He scoffed at that. I should of known then that I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t worth having my now husband hold my hand. There was no turning back though. I couldn’t go home. My mother was very clear about that. We were supposed to spend a few days in Vegas after his family and friends went home, however, the morning after we were married, he decided that he wanted to leave too. We drove back with everyone and we stopped at his sisters home. He felt the need to spend time with his parents and family rather then with his new bride. I remember feeling so lost that I asked his sister if I could go lay down as I was feeling regret, sadness and extremely terrified. I was 17 years old and my husband could barely look at me. He came into the bedroom where I was laying down and we were talking. He never put his arms around me nor tried to comfort me, we just talked calmly. He said he would honor his vows because he didn’t want to lose his relationship with Jehovah. His sister came into the room and asked if everything was okay. He looked at her and said, “I wish we would of waited and not got married.” She made sure that was spread around the entire family, thus my need to become perfect in his eyes began.

Divorce or annulment wasn’t an option. In the religion, we are taught divorce is frowned upon. I didn’t go into my marriage lightly or with the mindset that if things were tough that I could leave. I took my vows seriously. I did everything within my power to live up to my vows. It’s funny though, Watchtower talks about a man divorcing his wife, not a wife divorcing her husband. We as women are to be in complete subjection to our husbands. With this very mind set, I gave up my rights to think for myself. I gave all power to my husband to make decisions and choose our path. If I suggested something and he didn’t agree, then his word was final. I gave up all my friends and family as this was the way he wanted things to be. He took his power as my husband literally. He chose to be emotionally detached and relish in his new power of being head of the household.

As our lives progressed, he took his headship more and more serious, neglecting to hear the talks from the platform at the Kingdom hall about how to treat your wives. I began to keep a diary or journal of my feelings. There was one point he went five years without kissing me, including during intimate times. I told this man everyday for 30 years that I loved him and all he could say was, “thank you.” Why did I stay so long? Because I feared leaving. I feared being destroyed at Armageddon because I didn’t have scriptural grounds for divorce. He hadn’t cheated on me, so I was bound to stay. I tried to communicate to him how I was feeling, but he would change the subject or make me feel stupid and crazy. He would tell me I was stupid or that the things he said weren’t meant the way they sounded. When I got the courage to finally leave, he cut me off financially. Everything we worked for, became solely his. He told me yesterday on our phone conversation that I’m the one that left, so I abandoned it all. He’s willing to give me a little bit, but only half of the half I’m entitled too. He has called me everyday for the last few days telling me I have to cancel our upcoming court date. I told him that he was court ordered to pay spousal support over a year ago and he hasn’t complied. He said he won’t pay it and he doesn’t have to pay it.

The guilt trips, the gaslighting, the control, it’s the hardest thing to escape, especially being a woman. Leaving a high controlled religion and a high controlling husband is a recipe for disaster, especially if you don’t have the help and support on the outside. I’m learning that I need to forgive myself and build up my self worth. We are worthy to be loved, respected, valued and appreciated, just as our husbands are worthy of those things should they chose to treat their wife as something precious. “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”-Ephesians 5:28. Wives are not lesser then, we are worthy and our works should be valued. We were created as a compliment, not a doormat. He can’t get mad if he chooses to treat you as a slave, as a servant and dictator. If he chooses to act this way, then he can’t get mad when if leave. A good woman, a good wife doesn’t leave her husband and family just to leave. She has been pushed away, pushed aside, by the man she vowed to love for the rest of her life. A woman is strong, some stronger then others, longer then others, and if she breaks, if she leaves, it’s because somewhere, somehow she has found her worth, or maybe just caught a glimpse of it. She doesn’t leave the man she loves for another man. She leaves because she has no more tears to shed for the life she’s dreamed of, she only has tears for the life she seeks. Leaving has become the only option she has. When a woman, your wife tells you she has prayed to God to let her die and has prayed this prayer for over six months, and all you can say is, “who’s going to take care of me and the house if you die?” Understand this is her final cry for help, for you to step up and protect her. It’s a plea for you to help mend her broken heart. If you choose to ignore her, then realize, she’s done talking to a man that simply won’t listen.

When you are raised as a Jehovah’s Witness girl, you are taught your worth early on. You are taught your worth is secondary to your husband and any male children you should have. According to the 2016 ‘Our Christian Life and Ministry-Meeting Workbook,’ “a capable wife reflects well on her husband. In King Lemuel’s day, a husband who had a capable wife was ‘well known in the city gates.’ Today, respected men serve as elders and ministerial servants. If married, their ability to serve depends much on the good conduct and fine support of their wives.” I had no problem, in fact I felt honored to be able to help my husband succeed within the organization. I just got tired of doing it at the cost of being treated as his doormat. I was tired of the “thank you” when I told him I loved him. I was starving for intimacy. I wanted to know what it was like to be loved for simply being me. I was the capable wife as outlined in the scriptures.

In the Watchtowers publication, The Secret of Happy Family Life, it gives wives this council. “The wife can have a great share in making the family happy. First, she realizes the truth of the Bible’s advice: ‘Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord.’ In fact, as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ, so let wives also be to their husbands in everything.‘ The wife should have deep respect for her husband. The good wife understands that, in a situation where she may think she is right, she should, nevertheless, submit to her husband’s decision if he sees the matter differently.” This kind of council can help the family run smoothly, but not if the husband takes this as a ticket to treat her as lesser then, to not listen to her or to lord over her his headship. A husband who treats his wife as his own body, as a precious gift from God will gain her love, her respect and her devotion. He won’t manipulate the council in the Bible and blame her when things to wrong. He will own his responsibility in every and all situations. He won’t use gaslighting as taught by the JW faith (that’ll be talked about in another post) to make her question her thoughts, memory or her reality. He won’t twist what she says and make her to be the scapegoat to their children, family or friends. A Godly man won’t make you feel a sense of guilt or get defensive when you try and talk to him. He won’t make you feel like you have completely failed and that you are the only one with wrong feelings and actions.

If you are married or have been married to a Jehovah’s Witness man that has taken his headship to levels so high that you are so far beneath him, and you had no choice but to walk away, it’s time to forgive yourself, because you haven’t failed, he failed to love and cherish you. He failed the council in the Bible on how to treat his wife. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”-Lewis B. Smedes. I’m breaking free of the bondage of the prison I put myself in when I was only 17 years old. I work everyday to forgive myself and rid the guilt from my thoughts. There is a whole lifetime of being controlled yet to talk about, but I think I’m going to wrap things up for now. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I hope by me being open and honest, you can save yourself, your marriage perhaps and maybe even your sanity before you spiral so far down that black hole. You can climb out, but it is a long and exhausting journey.

Please continue to reach out and leave me a comment or two. I love hearing your thoughts and opinions. It helps me grow as a writer and as a person. Be kind to one another and be especially kind to yourself. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++