Never Knew…

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday? Looks like another warm day for us on the horizon. I love the warm days, but I kinda miss being able to wear my sweatshirts and long sleeves. Last night on my final walk it was so beautiful outside. The winds had just picked up. Something about the crispness of the air with the winds blowing. I love, love, love it. Went to dinner with a friend last night. We had some catching up to do. We hadn’t been out or really seen each other in months. It was nice to enjoy a bottle of wine, some amazing chicken skewers and of course, our favorite, salad. Our waiter was awesome, he brought us out a little mini dessert as a treat from him to us. All in all, it was a really nice evening.

I am back into listening to music again. It seems for awhile there I wasn’t really listening all that much. Now with Google all set up and all I have to do is tell her to play certain music, I’m in heaven. It brings me a sense of calm. I was listening to country love songs yesterday and one of my favorite singers came on and he sang, Stupid Boy. Keith Urban sings from the heart and this song, after listening to the lyrics, really made me stop and think about my own life, my own story. It really brought home the fact that some people were simply a chapter in my life and they don’t make up my entire story, that’s up to me. I have taken my pen back and it’s my turn to write my own story, rather then allowing anyone to write it for me.

When I was a little girl, I remember my mother and I lived in this really tiny house and my granny would come visit every Wednesday when she would get off work. Granny was a nurse. She wore those cute little nurse dresses and hats, white stockings and white shoes. I wanted so badly to be a nurse just like her. I remember too being about 5 or 6 and loving to write. Granny gave me my first diary. I wrote in it all the time. As I grew older, my desire to write and be a nurse never left me, however, getting married at 17 and being a part of a religion that frowned on higher education, my dreams fell way side. I thought I was being the perfect wife and perfect Christian, because I was doing as I was told. Sadly, I never made it to college and never made my dream of becoming a nurse a reality. I stopped writing because it took too much time away from my husband at the time and it took time away from studying for church.

I sit here writing this blog now, I’m 52 years young and while I may not be able to become a nurse, I can write. I have a man in my life now that encourages me to go for it. John encourages me to write, write, write and write. I’m sure if I was able to go to school to become a nurse, he’d be right there supporting that too. Who knows, maybe once covid is over and my health issues improve, I’ll be able to volunteer in a hospital. Guess I’ll have to see what direction the Universe guides me in. Taking back my own thinking abilities I have come to realize that Stupid Boy was a glimpse into the huge differences of what I had and what I have now.

“She laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream, and you crushed her plans. She never even knew she had a choice, and that’s what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can’t, stupid boy.” Sadly, I allowed myself to be silenced. I still have a problem with talking about my feelings, my needs and wants and desires. I think in my mind, I still feel like my dreams are silly and simply just dreams. I don’t blame anyone but myself for this. I do hold the religion I was raised in accountable to some degree and my ex, however, as far as he was concerned, he was following the religious guidelines for Christian husbands. He lived and still lives with a fear of “getting in trouble” with the church.

According to the teachings of the JW’s, they say, that according to the Bible, “The shrewd one sees the danger and conceals himself.”-Proverbs 22:3 NWT. This is the scripture used regarding higher education. The article goes onto say, “Jehovah’s Witnesses feel that the environment in some universities or similar centers of higher learning can pose moral and spiritual dangers. For this reason, many witnesses choose not to immerse themselves or their children in such an environment. They feel that in centers of higher learning, mistaken ideas are often promoted, such as the misconception that money brings happiness and security. Higher education is often promoted as the surest way to a high paying job, so an increasing number of students attend a university primarily to make more money. Misconception 2, a person should seek the prestige or status that can result from higher education. The university environment could foster a haughty spirit, which God hates. Misconception 3. Each person should set his own standards of right and wrong. The Jehovah’s Witnesses say that according to Journal of Alcohol and drug education, peer pressure in universities leads many students to ‘make decisions contrary to their established knowledge of right and wrong. This observation agrees with the Bible principle at 1 Corinthians 15:33, bad associations spoil useful habits. In the university environment, practices that God condemns, such as drunkenness, drug use and sex outside marriage, are often common and even encouraged.” Finally, misconception 4. Higher education is the best way to improve the world. We recognize that many pursue higher education, not to gain wealth, prestige or illicit pleasure, but to improve themselves and the world. These are noble goals, but Jehovah’s Witnesses have chosen a different path. Like Jesus, we look to God’s kingdom as the only hope for a better world. We do not passively wait for the Kingdom to solve the world’s problems. Instead, like Jesus, we share ‘the good news of the Kingdom’ throughout the earth, helping hundred of thousands of people every year to transform their lives for the better.”-JW.ORG.

According to the same website, “spiritual education has greater value than secular education. Unlike secular education, Bible based spiritual education provides the lifesaving knowledge of God.” While they never said you couldn’t go to college, as you can see, the guilt in going would of been less then pleasant. Being a woman in the religion made it harder too. We were to raise babies, and be in subjection to our husbands. In my case, my husband at the time wasn’t in favor of me obtaining higher education and I honored his wishes. It was the life I chose. This is reflective on who I was, not who he was. What was reflective of who he was is expressed in the song, Stupid Boy, ” what made you think you could take a life and push it, push it around, I guess to build yourself up so high, you had to take her and break her down.” I never knew I had a choice. I thought that’s what my role in life was. I remember before I got married, my mother ingrained in me what my role was to be as a wife. She bought me this book, The Total Woman. While it was a good book, it didn’t work for me. You see, the book talked about how as women if we did certain things, acted a certain way, our husbands/partners would be won over and treat us like a real woman wants and needs to be treated. I would follow the book to the letter, but he never saw it to be important to tell me he loved me, to tell me I mattered, to kiss me, hold me, any of that. I worked my buns off trying to get him to truly fall in love with me. I felt as though I was climbing the tallest mountain in the world to no success, and I finally fell and I fell hard. I never knew I had a choice. I never knew I mattered.

“She laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream, and crushed her plans. She never even knew she had a choice, and that’s what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can’t. Stupid Boy.” This is how I came to allow someone back into my life that never belonged there. I allowed myself to form a friendship that wasn’t healthy with my first love. We never met up, we never saw each other, we never slept together, but we would talk for hours upon hours. This man encouraged me to try certain things with my husband to get him to give me what I needed as far as emotional support and love. He told me to express certain things to my husband so he knew what I felt I was missing. It never happened and while he was helping me try and save my marriage, I fell back in love with him. That’s when I realized I was done. I realized I was worth more. Like my cousin told me, if you can look back and know you did everything you could to save your marriage, then you’ll be able to walk away with no regrets. Funny, he was wrong. I regret the strain it put on me and my sons, but I do have faith that they love me and want what’s best for me.

“You stupid boy. It took a while for her to figure out she could run, but when she did, she was long gone.” It took me 30 years to see I had potential in becoming who I was meant to be. It took me so long to realize that I could have a strong relationship with God and that I didn’t need to worship him out of fear. I never knew that there is an entire world out there that isn’t all bad. I never knew that I could have this amazing connection with my creator outside of the faith I was raised in. I never knew that it was okay for me to express that I felt lonely and unloved. According to RonEdmonson.com, “a woman doesn’t want to be appreciated for what she does, she wants you to appreciate who she is, but you can admit it, she does a lot. Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean, or that you have your favorite soap, a woman wants to know what she does is valued by you.” I remember asking my ex what it was that he liked or loved about me. His reply was, I like how you keep the house clean, I like that you always have dinner on the table and that you make sure the boys always have what they need. While I appreciated the fact he noticed those things, I told him those are the things I do, not who I am and that was the last of that conversation.

“A wife’s heart, no matter how independent or strong she is, is tender in places. Lots of places. She can bruise easily in some areas of her life, especially the places which involve the people she loves the most, like you. A husband who understand this is more careful in how he speaks and responds to her.”-RonEdmonson.com. Sometimes, when your heart has been bruised so badly, it finally breaks. Mine did. I lost trust in us, in him. I finally knew I had a choice and by the time I had the courage to ask him for certain things, he was too comfortable in what used to be that change wasn’t going to be an option.

“Most husband would never injure their wife knowingly. They want to be her protector. Men, when we don’t realize the damage we are doing to our wives emotions, we invalidate every desire we have to be her defender. I always like to use this thought as a reminder: would I ever allow another man to speak to or treat my wife like I am doing? She’s a precious gift guys, let’s treat her well.”-RonEdmondson.com. Sadly, my ex husbands example was no different then he was, maybe even worse then he was. While I do understand he was raised to be a certain way, I can’t give in to it being an excuse any more. You see, we sat at the same church services week after week, month after month and year after year and while wives were to be submissive and in subjection, it was also taught “in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cherishes it.”-Eph. 5:28,29 NWT. He never applied the council to “cherish,” thus this is where we are today.

I never knew I had a choice. I thought, hoped and prayed I’d win him over. I would of done anything to hear from time to time that he loved me. I would of melted to only be kissed from time to time. I would of done anything to know what love felt like by him. At the end of the day, we’ve gone our own directions in life. We will always have our sons in common. They turned out amazing if I do say so myself. I’d like to believe we simply love differently. “When you love someone, you have to be brave. Brave enough to tell them you love them or brave enough to watch them love someone else.”-lovingsomeonequotes.

I hope you know you are loved. I hope you feel the love of your partner. I hope you know your worth and I hope nobody ever crushes your dreams, or your plans. I hope only that they inspire you to keep moving towards them. I hope they can see themselves in those dreams and plans without feeling jealous. “Well she was precious, like a flower. She grew wild, wild but innocent. A perfect prayer in a desperate hour. She was everything beautiful and different, stupid boy, you can’t fence that in, stupid boy, it’s like holdin’ back the wind.” Help each other, encourage each other and live the dream, together.

Well my dear family and friends, I do hope you are all doing well and staying safe. You are important, you are worthy and you are loved. Thank you to those that have shown me that I matter too, and until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++