My Story

Happy Wednesday

How is everyone doing this fine Wednesday? I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe during all this Covid craziness we have going on around us. I hope you are not only staying safe, but sane too. I talked to a neighbor yesterday for a bit and he was saying that he had his little guy go to a kid birthday party. He mentioned that though he felt uncomfortable with so many people, he has to think about his kiddo and keeping him active and socialized. He mentioned what a hard decision it is. He worries about Covid, but worries about his kiddo and his being an only child and home 24/7. I can’t imagine what that even feels like. I think back to when my boys were little and I know how difficult it would of been to keep them in the house or in their own yards. Tommy and Kevin were very social and enjoyed playing with all the neighbor kids. My heart goes out to all those with young ones at home.

The last few days have been a little hard. Nothing has happened, it’s just been a couple of days of my mind having difficulties. Maybe it’s from falling again and hitting the back of my head, or not being able to go and do the things I used to do. Maybe it’s just my own personal pity party. Who knows. I’m sure you can all relate though on simply being so out of sorts and we’re all looking for a new normal. I am so grateful that I have my tight little circle of family and friends. I actually received a wonderful little quote this morning from my niece Carly. “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.” It then shows these three little planters. Planter one, “struggles.” Planter 2, “everything is over.” Finally, planter 3, the seed has sprouted a new, strong plant. I needed that today.

“This is my life… my story… my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make.”-Steve Maraboli. It’s funny how we, or I tend to allow others to dictate my feelings, my life, by no fault of their own, it’s all on me. I am learning to think for myself, learning that it’s okay to not have certain people in my life and that it’s okay to write a different chapter for my life, one that I write, not one that is expected of me. I have worked so hard and continue to work hard on being the best me possible. I am working towards living this life with no regrets. Some things sadly though, will always be a reminder of what I walked away from. Some judge harder then others and while my mind says “until you walk in my shoes, don’t judge me”, my heart still hurts for the things some have said and done. I know this though, they may know my name, they may know me as a friend, a co worker, a neighbor, even an aunt, sister in law, wife or mother, but they don’t know what I’ve been through. They haven’t walked in my shoes, so to be judged by them is hurtful. I have no clue when and how my story will end, but I can promise you this, I won’t give up without a fight. I’m slowly navigating the path of my life. I fall, I stumble and I get back up and keep going….

“I sometimes wonder if you knew my story would you hold me, pity me, or judge me. I show pieces to the world, the shiny pretty parts, while hiding the real me behind closed doors. Crying myself to sleep at night then braving each day with a fake smile and a warrior spirit. I keep pulling out from the depths of my soul but my soul is tired, so damn tired. The brutal truth is it hurts, and this hurt can’t be fixed with a bandage and tape. My greatest fear in life, one I can’t control, it to give up and lose all hope. I’m holding on just barely now, one push is all it will take to send me over the edge.”-Nicole Carlyon209. Some of the way I’ve felt, and feel. There was a time when this was me to the core of my being. I spent years crying myself to sleep, then getting up, putting on a smile and facing the day. That tired feeling was one that was unbearable. The hurt, while not crippling anymore, it still exists. I know what it feels like to barely be holding on. If it wasn’t for my sons, I would of let go along time ago. I’ve been on the edge. I still slip, but I do have those that grab my hand and pull me back up. I know this story isn’t mine alone. I know so many of you face this every day. I see it when you allow me a glimpse into your life. I am truly honored to have your trust in me.

We all have a story, we all have the chance to write it or be apart of it. We can give the pen to someone or we can write our own journey. It takes great strength to come to terms with our stories. Each of our stories hold value. I was talking to a dear friend of mine about her story. Things she is still coming to terms with and the courage it is taking for her to face some of the missing pieces in her puzzle of life. Her courage in coming to terms with her story gives me strength to continue to come to terms with mine. I hope by me telling my story, giving you certain chapters in my life, it will give you strength to revisit your own. I am learning that not everyone in our life is meant to be part of our entire story, but simply a chapter or two in it.

My story isn’t special, it isn’t even meant to be a best seller, it’s simply mine. I write about my life, my struggles, my thoughts and my accomplishments and hope that it continues to help others see, they aren’t alone and more importantly, that even when life gets so hard and difficult, when it gets lonely and dark, tomorrow is a new day and that you aren’t alone. I’m not alone. My story is my journey through this thing called life. Mistakes have been made, accomplishments have been great. I’ve lost, I’ve gained and life goes on. “Every life is a story. Thank you for being part of my story.” unknown.

I don’t have anyone setting limitations on what my life can be other then me. I don’t know what I’m entirely capable of doing or being, however, I can continue to work towards writing an end to my story that can be awesome and amazing. One step at a time is all we can take, and we must keep taking those steps. We will have days of taking a step forward, maybe a step to the side, even a step now and then backwards, just as long as we are moving, we will be on the path to writing a pretty phenomenal story and hopefully we are living for the journey and not the destination. I got this. You got this. What is your story? My life is my story.

I am grateful to everyone who has played a role in my story. I am grateful for those that have been a part of so many chapters in my life and for those that have decided to move onto the next chapter along side me. It is said that life is about the journey, not the destination, because the destination is in the future and we are living in the present. Writing my story is releasing my past and allowing me to accept today, because it truly is a gift.

Well my dear family, friends and readers, thank you for taking time to read a little bit more about me and my thoughts. I do hope you are well. Keep those comments and texts coming. I love hearing from you all. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++