From Lost to Found…

Happy Tuesday,

How is everyone doing this fine Tuesday? Good I hope. What’s everyone been up to? Send those photos and keep those comments coming, I love to hear from you all. Not too much to report here other then my car is acting up a little bit. Took it to Valvoline for an oil change and had a young kid who worked on my car break off one of the air hoses to the air filter box and now I need to take my car to the mechanic Thursday to have that fixed. Thank goodness I have a wonderful mechanic who can fix it on the cheaper end of things. Yesterday was a good day. I was able to spend it with my dear friend and co-mother in law Nancy. Her daughter is expecting her first child and we are in full quilt making mode. Something about a new baby that is always so wonderful.

It’s been a overwhelming couple of weeks. I was telling John that I’ve hit the wall yet again. I finally understand what my doctor meant by the fact that I may never be able to have my mind work the way it used to. I took on the mythology classes, the contractor license class, the commitment to read one book a week until the new year and my blog as well as doing the outline for my book that will be written starting January 1, 2021, not to mention all the arts and craft project I have set aside to handle. With all this on my plate, something that never overwhelmed me before, well, I just can’t keep up and stay focused. My mind spins in a complete chaotic way. The result is that nothing gets accomplished. With that being said, I had to admit that I can only do what I can and I need to stop beating myself up for not getting everything on my to do list done. Easier said than done, but, I’m working on being more forgiving of myself.

With all that happening, or not happening, it made me think about how lost I’ve felt in my life. I read something that talked about finding yourself that has put things into a wonderful perspective for me. Finding oneself isn’t really what it’s about. It’s not something that is really lost. To say you need to find yourself is like putting yourself in a category of being an object. Almost like a $20 bill that you had in your pocket and run across when you put those jeans on again and find it. You are never lost. I was never lost. My true me was simply buried under the ‘cultural conditioning’ I allowed in my life. I was buried under what other people thought of me, their opinions of who I should be or become. I was buried under the ‘inaccurate conclusions’ I drew from childhood and carried over into my adulthood. The inaccurate belief system of who I thought I had to be. I lived my whole life with the mind set that I had to be perfect. When I placed this unrealistic picture upon myself, I failed because I could never reach it. I allowed others to have that same expectation upon me as well. How beyond thankful I am to have John in my life. He sees that flaw in me and reminds me that it’s okay to be just me. It’s okay to not have things around the house perfect, and spotless and it’s okay if I take a break now and then to do absolutely nothing.

When I told John that I felt like I hit the wall again, his first response was to ask what he could do to help me. That’s a whole new concept for me to even comprehend. To have someone that wants to help make my life easier, better and more complete, that’s a first. He not only wants me to put myself and my happiness first, he does what he can to help me see what that not only looks like, but he helps me get on the path to accomplish it. When I explained to him how I felt, he told me that I need to take one task at a time and just start and if I don’t finish, it’s okay. “Never should on yourself” are his famous words to me. Do what you can do, it’s okay to ask for help and what doesn’t get done, it’ll still be there tomorrow, or the next day, even the day after that. I am finding myself and he’s helping me by reminding me that all I need to do is be true to myself. I’m finding myself by returning to who I was meant to be. I’m unlearning all the “ideas” I had in my mind and adopting the ones that fit best with who I really am. I’m doing a complete excavation on me. I am remembering who I was meant to be before allowing the world to get it’s hands on me.

I thought I was lost, but really, I simply misplaced myself. My true self. I’m not an object that can be lost. I’m me and I allowed who I am or who I had become to be defined on others ideas of what my life should look like. I’m learning to accept myself with the rough patches and yes, my faults too. I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change and I’m doing my best to not compare myself to others, and guess what, I am having more success in chasing my dreams. “Love yourself enough to walk into only the rooms and situations that show care and love for you. Love yourself enough to walk out of the rooms that harm you in any way. Love yourself enough to hold the people who harm you accountable for their words and actions. Love yourself enough to express your wants, your needs, and your desires. Love yourself enough to tell the truth. Love yourself enough to keep yourself safe. Love yourself enough to say enough is enough when enough has become enough.”-Cleo Wade.

From lost to found. It’s a wonderful way to be. It’s funny, I lived my life with the idea that I needed to be this certain person. Why? You see, I set out on a quest to find my dad when I was 18 years old. Before then I had dreamed of finding him, but from the time I was an adult, I would find myself looking at every truck driver on the road hoping to see him, find him. I adopted this crazy idea in my head that I had to live my life a certain way so when the day came that I found him he would be proud of me. When I adopted this mind set, I allowed those in my life to expect things of me that would define me. I wasn’t true to myself. I was true to who they wanted me to be. My happiness was dependent on making others happy. This way of living made me less and less of a person and more and more of a slave to my world, my society. When I found my dad he told me that he loved me for just being me. He always loved me because I was his daughter. I can’t believe I allowed myself to adopt this version of what the perfect daughter, wife and mother looked like. I wasted a ton of time being untrue to myself and allowing others to define me based upon their opinions.

I am uncluttering my mind and doing less and less shoulding on myself and finding joy in being me. I’m learning to accept the messy and embrace the more important things in life. It’s time to “let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.”- Robert H. Schuller. I can’t worry about the haters anymore. I know I’ve made a few enemies along the way and that’s okay. Maybe I’m doing things right. I’m failing at being a people pleaser and maybe, just maybe I’m learning to be a me pleaser. I’m no longer lost or misguided, I’m finding me. I’m uncluttering my mind on others ideals of who I should be and finally being me, simply me and doing my damndest to be who I was meant to be. Stayed tuned family and friends, as I continue to peel off one layer at a time of the old version of me, the unrealistic me and letting myself be free. My hopes and dreams for you all is that you are able to be true to yourselves. I hope you are able to live your life in the best way possible and being the best you. You are unique and wonderful just the way you are. Live life to it’s fullest and don’t worry about pleasing everyone in this life. Don’t allow yourself to get lost under all the propaganda of what someone thinks of you. Don’t lose yourself to others opinions and ideas. The longer you live that way, the more mind control you will have to peel away to find that wonderful person you have always been.

I do hope you are all doing well and staying safe. Even when I don’t reach out, I really do think of you all and pray that you are happy, healthy and being who you were meant to be. Drop me a comment or two and don’t forget, Love Life++